An ageing relative.
When I was pregnant with my daughter I had to make some big decisions for my family. I was living with my husband but also spending days and nights with my grandmother. She was in her 80s at that time. English was her second language and although she had a good grasp, as she became older her voice became more frail and she struggled to speak outside the house.
So I would take her to her doctors appointments and in doing so check in with her and spend time with her. I knew she was comfortable with me and sometimes this was hard to get across to the more naive or wilful healthcare professionals. I noticed those who were generally good in communicating with people were good with me and my grandma also. They accepted her struggles with her hearing and would communicate effectively and politely with us both.
It was an experience that helped me also. I learned to be assertive but still keep my manners.
I faced a lot of judgement from others particularly when I decided that as my mother had the legal right to make decisions for my grandma that she should stay with her. Once I had my daughter I knew I could not travel for hours with a baby. I discussed this with all involved who agreed. I would still visit my grandma at least once a month and spend a night with her and my mother.
She would stay with my mother until she needed 24/7 care because of having several strokes that left her unable to eat and speak. Then she went into a home which again is something we as a family faced significant judgment for. To this day those who haven’t had this experience and haven’t tried getting in nurses to care for an ageing and poorly relative at home only to be unreliable, don’t understand that the decision to choose a nursing home isn’t neglectful.
People assume that the elderly are just rotting away in the nursing homes and care homes because the family do not care. It’s a sweeping judgement that requires no additional thought outside of the tribalism of, “well not in our family.”
The point is that hard decisions take time to make and aren’t without trade offs. There is no perfect way to live in any case.
I have seen the effects of age on a person’s physical condition but also their mind and behaviour. Prior to my grandma’s case, my dad had dementia and died from cancer so he showed rapid deterioration. The last time I saw him he did not recognise me and I couldn’t tell him that I was pregnant with his first grand daughter. Something he never thought would happen as he was always very worried about my heart condition and the effects that had on the rest of my body.
In my dad and grandma I saw they became forgetful and furthermore with my dad he was stuck in the past and greeted me as a teenager that he needed to pick up from the bus stop. I saw them become impatient, worried about their money and what they ate (very minimal eating with both) and they insulted often. My appearance was often targeted, with my dad he imagined marks on my face and my grandma would insult my changing appearance as I was pregnant. Normally people go for the weight but in my case for some reason my eyes and nose were pointed out.
I regarded the above as the standard process of ageing and having a disease. I saw too much of their suffering to feel insulted myself and overall I felt humbled and grateful to learn from all the experience.
Today, I would have wanted to do my duty as a relative to a person with narcissistic personality disorder that I’ve had to cut contact with. I don’t have a problem with doing my duty, I’ve done it twice before but a person showing multiple narcissistic traits is a whole different kettle of fish compared to a grumpy, ageing relative.
On a good day, they insult and target specific people and on a bad day, they show a lot of self hatred as well as the usual lashing out and no words of reassurance help them. Some people are more stubborn than others but a narcissist refutes, ignores, dismisses anything you can offer and on top of that pretends they didn’t do this. They’re more manipulative than your average manipulative person.
They create a system where they have their enablers who also regard the target as lowly and someone to ignore. They too will deny that and so you’re left with nothing. Except the love you have despite all these things for the narcissist as a human being.
I had to consider the future with them and it looked like they would get a lot worse and drain me beyond any level of exhaustion people feel in caring for elderly relatives. They can look forward to at least the small pleasure of a nap or a hot drink and even support that doesn’t demonise them. However, those at the bottom of a narcissistic system are in constant turmoil and this continues even after they’ve left. The positive is they can at least protect themselves and their own children from future damage.
It has become my role in life to offer support to these people because they feel isolated and they are demonised as weak and uncaring. I know how it feels and I’ll help anyone going through this. Keep watching this space and thank you as always for reading.