Covert narcissism.

I don’t use meaningful terms lightly so when I write about narcissism, it is after I have researched the subject. I started to listen to Dr Ramani talk about covert narcissism, on her YouTube channel, as I wanted to know about this particular type of behaviour.

We hear a lot about the grandiose type of narcissism as it is prevalent in celebrity culture and all those who like to imitate celebrity. The persona of Andrew Tate, the often talked about bad boy and beacon of toxic masculinity, fits the label of grandiose narcissism. He is brash, crude, vain and attention seeking.  This is something that has earned him fame and money, as charisma can be conflated with what is actually grandiose narcissism. On a lesser level, we sometimes know people who we call larger than life, that love an audience and are bullies throughout their life. They can appear in the work place and even in families. They tend to stand out and people are at least aware of them, if they’re not too afraid to call them out in some way.

However, what we don’t really see so openly is covert narcissism. This is where covert narcissists use victimhood to gain favours and what is termed as narcissistic supply. It is childish behaviour but imagine that it’s the child who constantly complains, rather than understanding they do have to pick themselves up now and then. Take for example the Gladiator character, Commodus. He was played by Joaquin Phoenix in the first movie. He is the evil emperor who killed his own father, Marcus Aurelius, as per the movie’s storyline. He killed him out of envy as Emperor Aurelius preferred Maximus to be the next emperor. He was all too aware of Commodus’ faults and deemed him unfit to be the next in line. “But I have other qualities, Father.” Commodus says full of self pity. See me, choose me, he means to say.

This is the forever child who needs constant attention and in real life, this can be a person who attracts an empathic mate. Someone who comes to their rescue, babies them a bit and gives them attention thinking it is love. When Commodus does become Emperor, which he does by way of killing or torturing the competition, he puts on elaborate shows in the Colosseum. He is also a peacock who likes to dress up and has a fondness for the finer things in life. The latter doesn’t make him a narcissist per se but it’s the fact that he feels he is owed these things.

Commodus constantly pushes himself onto his sister, an entirely inappropriate relationship by way of just having a cuddle here and there, that he then turns into something else. His entitlement is through the roof so much so it exceeds any moral inclination to do and be good.  Commodus has a grandiose side but he also has a very strong victimhood mentality. He feels everyone owes him lots of things.

When children are very young, they find they can gain attention by being the one who cries loudest, so I can understand why victimhood mentality exists. When mummy/ daddy/ teacher come running to make everything OK, wipe your tears, give you attention and love, it must feel comforting. Some people never grow out of their need to have that sort of attention and they see victimhood as the best way to get it.

There is a difference between those who genuinely need help and someone who just manipulates others. Elderly relatives can grate on their younger but unless they have been manipulative throughout their lives, then any new behaviour is a product of their age and a related disease. Commodus could be your needy husband who has learned helplessness but is also shouting at you for having a life and not cooking his every meal from scratch. Envy, insecurity/deep fragility, anger, entitlement, constant state of helplessness with manipulation tactics, are all hallmarks of covert narcissism.

The fact is many people live and interact with covert narcissists on a daily basis. The labelling of this mentality doesn’t mean that we end the relationship. However, relationships do tend to end as the behaviour gets too much for those who either don’t enable it, or are predominantly targeted. A narcissist needs a target like a regular person needs fresh air. They are the forever child and cry bully.

Some people think they can be firm and hold their ground so that they aren’t targeted or bullied but in my experience, I have seen they are and these people end up being very passive aggressive with understanding spouses, for example. They actually end up entrapping their spouses in a dynamic where the spouse is too afraid to speak.

No one is perfect, everyone has flaws and narcissistic traits. However, the tragedy of the narcissist, where the traits are so dominant and stubborn, is they can’t improve and in their eye there is nothing to improve on; at least nothing as bad as their target makes out. Had Commodus not been quite so narcissistic, he would accepted that he was not fit for the role of Emperor but he still could have worked elsewhere. He  could have chosen the path of self improvement and discovery, perhaps studying a subject like politics to become an advisor. (Though it’s best he did not). He didn’t and just wanted glory and fame for nothing. The more narcissistic someone is, the less the likelihood of any self improvement that also extends to personal relationships.

Thank you for reading. I wanted to say a big thank you to all my readers and my first coffee-purchaser. I don’t write to earn money but I started to put the coffee tab on my posts for anyone who feels inclined to buy me one. I never expect anything but it is so very exciting to receive any form of acknowledgment. I hugely appreciate all the support and your kindness is not forgotten. Thank you so very much and I’ll put the coffee tab back on my next post.