My thoughts on the documentary, “My wife, my abuser.”

Please note this post covers physical and mental abuse.

The past few days I have been aware of a documentary about a man called Richard Spencer who was abused by his wife, Sheree. I became aware of Richard’s experience through H.G Tudor’s YouTube channel where he analyses what is often narcissistic behaviour.

Sheree Spencer, 45 years old, was a prison reform boss who physically attacked, verbally berated, shouted at, even defacated on her husband throughout 15 years at their home near York. She did this in front of their children and as he filmed the abuse via a nanny cam, those who watched the footage could see her try to turn her children (three little girls, the oldest being 8) against her husband.

Richard tried to push back but he learned that this would just make Sheree more angry so he would do his best to protect his head and body as his wife viciously attacked him.

When neighbours who were unaware of the abuse, invited Richard and Sheree to a party, they heard her shout at him whilst at the party, to put the girls in bed. They asked if all was ok in their household. Richard eventually broke down and confided in them about the abuse.

He also confided in a friend and showed him the footage of the abuse. His friend said he would need to call the police as he was very worried about Richard. The police upon entering Richard and Sheree’s home couldn’t believe that this was the place where someone could be so horrifically  abused.

It was a beautiful home, the kind that they said you take your shoes off walking in. As some of us know a beautiful looking home can be a facade. It doesn’t reflect the inhabitants’ lives although often, the state of a house can give clues about people’s personalities and activities.

It turns out that there were two unusual points here. Firstly, that the home was at odds with the horrific nature of the crimes. Secondly, that the abuser was a petite woman. If you saw the footage, you saw Sheree put her all into hitting Richard and pulling his hair. A woman who holds a carving knife to her husband’s neck and grabs him, looking like she’s going to kill him once and for all, isn’t one to engage in light taps. She means business, not that any kind of smacking or hitting should be excused because it is demeaning and bullying. However, the full on physical assault that Richard endured looked horrific and I can understand why he said he disassociated from himself.

I’ve felt a hits on the head (by a woman) and I can’t describe or confirm how I felt or dealt with it exactly. I do know that I felt incredibly ashamed. For Richard, he implied that he felt ashamed because he was a man.

Psychologist Dr Ramani put it this way. We don’t have an on off switch and we aren’t robots. We go through an intense and a sometimes sudden experience like a physical assault or verbal barrage of insults and shouting and we have to process that in some way.

It’s all very well predicting how you’d react but how you’d actually react is different. Some people having gone through this may walk out the door, others react in kind, either physically or verbally, sometimes going a step further.

Some go through the motions and stay. When it is so against norms, like men being hit by women or a child actually being hit by their supposedly nurturing mum, then I think it’s a shock to our sense of normality as well as to our system.

It’s no surprise that we block out the abuse like Richard had to. In order to survive, in order to live day to day, go and work outside, you find a way to deal with the abuse.

It turns out that filming helped Richard even more than he could know. That evil woman and supposedly nurturing mummy didn’t think that a camera often installed in houses with young children, would save the man, whose life she’d made utter hell. I find the fact that her delusion backfired, satisfying. It’s like, you are fallible and you call your husband all sorts of names but you’re the stupid one.

Sheree is now in prison, though her sentence is only four years. During her arrest where she lied and made herself out to be the victim, she only asked if Richard had packed her hair straighteners in an over night bag. She didn’t once ask about her girls.

Unfortunately, I think that this same woman could use her daughters as a means to weasel her way out into the public and in contact with Richard.

Richard has a new life now with his girls. Though I believe he will keep away from Sheree, I think that she will test him legally.

When he was in contact with the police about Sheree, who he said he still cared for, he asked if she was ok. After all and I’m just going to say it, the bitch put him through, he still had his humanity left. Honestly, out of all of this, the goodness of this individual affected me the most.

Those who ask why do people stay? This is why! Their hope that people can change and their humanity that is to be commended. That isn’t to say he should have stayed but I understand why he did. He did nothing wrong and he was a victim of bad luck who didn’t know his initially sweet wife would have this monstrous side.

He filmed Sheree to protect his girls, he confided in others to protect his girls and he stayed also to protect his girls. In staying he endured the abuse but I believe in his heart he did so to protect his beloved daughters and ensure he took all of the abuse and not them.

Sheree is a woman with no shame and when one of the daughters is heard on camera saying, “nasty mummy,” she doesn’t show remorse. She fits the description of a narcissist perfectly and narcissists don’t change. I don’t believe so.

I hope and I think that Richard will do all that he can to protect his daughters. Instead of being Sheree’s knight in shining armour who helps her overcome her past (she had a difficult father), his role is to help his daughters.

Never underestimate him and say that he won’t. Many of us have been taken to the bottom to ensure our beloved are not.

https://www.channel5.com/show/my-wife-my-abuser-the-secret-footage