Sometimes it’s not you.

I was reading an article about “the emotional labour of navigating white women’s micro aggressions” and yes, it was as you would expect. The title says it all. I wanted to read the article because I do often find myself agreeing with a variety of authors on some points but I am not always with them on everything.

I have a question. How do we undo decades of pitting various demographics and groups against each other?

Well, in my own small way I want to apply some nuance to these topics because I think that is one way to go about it. I am a big fan of the Charlie Kirk method of just listening to people and addressing their concerns one issue at a time. I know this author hasn’t asked for my advice so I don’t want to condescendingly give it as such. I do want to talk about the topics she addresses in a way that has helped me though.

My parents, particularly my mum, brought me up to fight against the world but not everyone is scrappy. Some of us are more introspective and we do want to get on with people. She would conflate that with being a push over but that was ironic anyway because she wanted to trample over me. I tackled school bullying on my own. That was largely racial, as in they picked on me for my race. That was strange as well because I had shared a class with these boys for years and then all of a sudden they picked on me and my friend (who was half Indian and half Malaysian). It felt out of the blue. What did the boys’ parents say about Indian people? Had they read something in the 90s in the papers about Indian people? Why all of a sudden did they pick on a girl whom they had known and had so far been apathetic towards?

It did dent my confidence but in a speech, I addressed them. We were at that age where the teacher wanted us to practice formal public speaking and we were to choose a topic to speak about. I chose what was relevant at the time which was bullying. After the speech, they shut up and largely left me alone. I saw the odd smirk here or there but they felt called out, which was the result I wanted.

No teacher had dealt with this as effectively as me, which goes to show how adults had essentially failed me. My mum would have told me I deserved to be bullied. All her hangups about her own appearance, being shorter than average, a little stocky, not being the ideal blonde and slim woman like she admired, came out on me. I once looked at myself in the mirror just before I got dressed and I genuinely couldn’t see why she picked on me. I looked OK.

This is why I will always stand by the side of women discovering themselves through romantic and erotic fiction because it was there where I would read about women who seemed to look like me. I hadn’t seen that in magazines and media. I hadn’t got the positive encouragement from my mum. So, I turned to something that did help. I am not the only one, it’s funny how some other women share similar stories to me.

I then went from school to college, then university and finally, the workplace. I had already by the age of 25 experienced a gamut of so called micro aggressions and bullying. I knew people would lash out on others just because. I knew they could be shallow. I know the world was harsh. By the time I was in my thirties, I started to read more conservative media. I left behind the Guardian and the victimhood it wanted us to prescribe to. I read Jordan Peterson and realised it’s not so much black versus white person, it’s that there are people with all sorts of personality disorders and issues out there.

They are not all mental but a great many are! There is no other way to explain someone lashing out on you for no reason and I know the interactions where disdain is two way versus disdain coming from another person for no reason at all.

When I am with my husband I actually see it more. The author in the article (referred to in my first paragraph) describes these observations also. The women and men who would ignore me do have a problem with me when I am with my husband. We don’t look mismatched but you can see the age and race difference. Also, no I don’t deserve the nasty looks whilst he gets smiles. Plus, yes, to credit the author of the article, these people are racist and sexist. Let’s just call a spade a spade.

However, racist and sexist behaviour doesn’t have to come from this nefarious white supremacy triangle. We don’t have to say it’s largely white women who behave in this way. Rather, immature and nasty behaviour can come from someone’s narcissism that then targets what is different about the person who has attracted their negative attention. I have experienced nastiness from women of my own race also. Like my mum, they see a content person like me and can’t stand that we could possibly be this way instead of being riled up over hang ups.

As Jordan Peterson says, you have the power in how you react. Just yesterday, I could see a woman staring for far too long at me, after we smiled at each other in passing. All sweetness and light with my husband but bitchiness with me. Guess what? I chose to not engage and indulge her immaturity. Why should I take that burden on? Why should I take on the so called emotional labour? Plus, this woman is probably miserable in her life. These people tend to be.

I once remember Jimmy Carr talking to an audience member who said that their son was being bullied. He had a nice chat with them and added that it is better than being the bully. Bullies are miserable people. Thank God you are not like that. With regard to the woman’s article, I sympathise and it is her prerogative to write as she wishes. If I could comment without her being all defensive, I would say the issues of people lie mainly within their psychology. Once you realise they have issues, worse than anything you could ever have, you will stop feeling like you have to take on that burden. You will simply ignore the silliness and immaturity. You will thrive.

Thanks for reading. You’ll be aware of comments, likes and restacks being disabled on my posts. I will be looking at alternative ways to interact with my audience, especially my paid subscribers. There have been some privacy and security issues.