I have added onto this previously published post in the final few paragraphs, highlighted in italic font. There are a few extra points that are conducive to the point of my post, which is why Iām doing this.
Iām aware that this is a self indulgent post but itās one that I wanted to write so Iām just going to start typing and see where it takes me.
Some girls are indulged by their parents and by other adults who tell them how clever and beautiful they are. That was not my experience, I grew up not feeling wanted. There will be other women and men who have felt this way. What I think it does to a person is that it can make them foster a strong sense of self and independence.
I would observe other girls be flattered and spoilt. So then I would create my own world where Iād escape into it, via books and movies. I can relate to characters like Matilda and Jane Eyre. Two independent, at times misunderstood individuals who had a sense of direction in their life. I always knew I wanted to write.
When I became a young woman, I suppose I would have been labelled an outsider. However, I think that term is often used to exclude people so I donāt like it all that much. Iām not an outsider or alien of any sort. I like people and I think we have more in common than theyād like to admit. Iāve always been in honest in that I know who I am and where appropriate I say what I see. Luckily, Iām polite which means I donāt blurt things out and dislike sensing discomfort.
Where I saw my female peers with their long limbs, long blonde or light brunette hair and a confidence that comes from being held highly, I knew that was not my situation. Still, I never hated myself. I recognised my own beauty and that I would validate it myself. When people compliment me, itās nice of them to do so but I donāt think that I get the feeling others do. I spent my whole life being my own cheerleader.
On one Valentineās Day as I saw couples hand in hand, I came home and wrote my first erotic romance story. I was in my twenties and feeling the need to settle down with a man. As an outlet for this passion or energy that I had, Iād write steamy little stories. This sent me on the path of discovery and exploration. I didnāt really fit into any of those fashionable BDSM clubs or circles. I never had fetishises.
I would still align myself with some feminist principles but I also didnāt suppress my own romantic notions. I knew I wanted a boyfriend who was strong in himself, someone to banter and play with and someone who could be bad when he needed to be. To quote Jordan Peterson,
āEveryone says, "Well, you should be harmless, virtuous, you shouldn't do anyone any harm, you should sheath your competitive instinct. You shouldn't try to win. You don't want to be too aggressive. You don't want to be too assertive."
No. Wrong. You should be a monster, an absolute monster, and then you should learn how to control it.ā
Those are the kind of men featured in romance novels and itās no accident that women buy these books. Even if offends their own sensibilities or nature, there is something about an assertive alpha male. He also goes for the woman who is the most authentic to herself. The female who knows who she is and thatās something I identify with. I knew in reality the alpha male from these books would be too much so I looked around and observed traits in men. Boys were never that into me, I found it was older men who took an interest.
I was lucky, I found my husband. He happens to be older but weāre on the same level in many ways. Soon, we had a child.Ā Both our lives have been hard at times and I say this because some people have implied envy. Well, thereās no need to be envious of a girl who was ignored who became a woman that had to fight to have this life.
So when I write about femininity, Iām not some bimbo stereotype. Nor do I need to be protected. I have not been as sheltered as you think. Like many women and men, I have substance and I know very well who I am.
I would like to add that through some of the ideas of feminism and because of a competitiveness in some women, they tend to infantilise other women who are different from them and through being less loud, are perceived as weak. For example, theyāll say that instead of my being self assured because I basically had to be in order to survive, that itās my vulnerability that was attractive to the predatory instincts of some older males.
Iāve seen and heard this negative analysis of someone elseās own experience and itās not done to protect women.Ā Instead, itās aggressive, bullying and controlling behaviour.Ā It gives some status. I know this sounds cruel and many laugh down this kind of talk. It doesnāt mean that Iām not right.
Some women have a tendency to use terms like āmain character syndromeā or āpick meā about other women even when they donāt fit. Itās an assumption they broadcast because it is a defence to protect against their own vulnerabilities. Again, by dismissing others, they gain power.
These are my observations that I felt were worth adding onto this post to explain why I write about femininity in the way that I do. Ā It is a way that is true to me, not someone elseās sensibilities and ideology. Itās honest and authentic to my own thoughts.
Few are as eloquent !