In defence of the mother.

“Stop smiling at her.” Said my mother in law as I was talking to my daughter. My daughter was around 2 years old at that time. She was typically cheeky, in fact remains rather shy in public but at home it was a different story. I wasn’t disciplining her but just telling her something in the presence of my mum in law who was in the habit of unnecessarily stepping in.

2 was an interesting age for my daughter. We would go to Morrisons, her in the section of the trolley that acted like a mini car seat. She was good as gold and strangers would compliment her. The same ones would then tell me how undisciplined other children were. The ones that did cry and were too big to fit in the trolley so had to walk around the supermarket. I made it clear to these people that I would not be joining in the admonishment and formed narratives about others.

When I see a mum with a child who is crying and having a tantrum, sometimes in her arms as they exit the supermarket, I open the door for her and do all I can to get out of the way. The woman needs help, not admonishment. Tantrums and tears for a little child are natural.

This doesn’t mean I don’t believe in discipline and firm parenting. I cut some slack for children who are in a strange environment like a supermarket. Whilst Hannah Spier raises informative points about parenting and parenthood in her latest article, as one comment rightly said, there will be pushback. Some pushback is indeed necessary.

https://open.substack.com/pub/hannahspier/p/the-rise-of-the-pathological-mother?r=1z31e2&utm_medium=ios

I suspect Hannah wrote her article not to take potshots at parents in stressful situations, even though the photograph is one that will raise certain feelings in people. I don’t have a problem with the article. I do want to make a few points about motherhood, particularly first time motherhood.

Imagine you had lost enough blood to go on a drip, that your bum had to be stitched up, that you couldn’t wee or poo for at least a day. Imagine your body had been through the wringer. Don’t care? Women have always given birth? TMI?  I’m going to say that by having an opinion on this you do in fact care. In fact I’ve noticed that those who are loudly and openly dismissive about anything in life are being dishonest. They care and something has been triggered in them.

Imagine after giving birth, all your energy goes to a beautiful little baby who needs you like no one has ever needed you before. They need you for food, for nourishment, for warmth, for love, for comfort and for everything. You are this vulnerable little being’s everything. It is both overwhelming and a huge learning process. It makes you grow up.

The first weeks of a new mum’s life is hard. Dads also experience new firsts and emotions. For a woman, though, physically and deeply mentally, that is affected by a drop in hormones, she needs all the help she can get. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for the matriarchs in the family to themselves feel rather triggered and commit all sorts of faux pas. Sometimes, the mum is just being over sensitive and sometimes she has a point about mum and mum in law.

For me, one was neglectful and the other was all too much. However, I knew my mum in law acted from a place of love so with some healthy boundaries enforced, I took the path of understanding her rather than being rude. Even if she still thinks little of me, if she misread me, whatever the differences are in our seemingly very opposite personalities, she showed me love. Not control as I had experienced from my mum, something I’ve written about before, especially because narcisstic abuse is so misunderstood.

Can I ask something reader, something for you to consider? When you see a child having a tantrum, consider you don’t know them or their parent. If the parent is seemingly doing their best, if they are quickly wanting to finish the job in the supermarket and are no doubt looking rosy cheeked with stress and self consciousness, then put aside the already formed narrative in your head about them. I understand that the child’s crying triggers you, it is supposed to and I understand that you may even feel annoyed. However, some parents are genuinely good ones, not perfect, not with conveniently quiet children but they are good people. How about giving someone who needs it, the benefit of your doubt and if you do want to step in, offer help, not judgement. As saccharine as that sounds, here’s another one; it takes a village to raise a child.