Small children experience deep emotions they don't understand. They also don't have the ability to put it into words yet. So they react the only way they can. By acting out.
Not all of them are always throwings tantrums to get what they want. It could be that they feel overwhelmed by the things and people around them. Not because they are brats.
I have been amazed at the feeling that creeps up inside me when my child has had a tantrum in the store, a sort of stony protectiveness just daring somebody to say something snarky— woe betide the fool who tries it first!
Great wisdom here, thank you for writing this piece.
I understand that feeling. I remember it well! My daughter is 10 now so we’re well past that stage (although 10 year olds can be moody) but I’m thankful we made it through.
It is important to be consistent, once you have said no, it is no. If you give way they will not take you seriously in the future. But that does not mean my children were afraid of me. When I went to tell them a bedtime story, if I reached for a book they said, " No, no, Daddy, your stories are better than the book ".
I have seen highly reactive tantrum-prone toddlers turn into very well behaved teens because they had proper support and love (also guidance) when they didn’t have the capacity to do better yet. They felt secure in the love and then they use the self-control when they have it, better than “better behaved” toddlers who never struggled like they did. Most things toddlers do are annoying, not morally wrong. But a teen rebelling against their parents can really hurt themselves and others, permanently.
We want to set up and strengthen a bond between parents and toddlers of unconditional acceptance when the stakes are low, so that they can tolerate necessary rules as teens and beyond.
Some children tantrum more than others, by nature. They have an intensity that isn’t really compatible with their little bodies and weak capacity for self-control. As they get older, it evens out. But they have to know that they can trust you. If you weakened the bond when they were tantrumming, you don’t have that to lean into later on.
I used to just not take our children out, the ones who were more explosive, because I couldn’t deal with the judgment. It’s a better world when older people have some kindness and smile and say by implication, they will grow out of this. Telling a mom how cute or beautiful their child is in a supermarket especially when the child is mildly misbehaving is a kindness that generates outwards, rippling effects far and wide.
People on the left are crotchety also. It’s not actually a political or moral thing. It’s just dressed up that way.
This is why I could have done to have known someone like you earlier on in my life. That acceptance and reassurance ..it really makes you feel confident. It makes you happier and the relationship with your child better.
I was in a supermarket recently, a small boy was picking up fruit and smashing it against others. I told him forcefully to stop. An elderly woman was watching him, I asked her if she was with him, she said she was his grandmother, but she did nothing to stop him. His mother in another aisle.
If children behave badly in public it is 99.9% bad parenting. There are a few cases of autism or other mental problem. I brought up 4 children, they all knew how to behave in public, unlike one or two cousins.
There’s a difference between bad behaviour and tears and an odd tantrum. My daughter was well behaved too but I empathise with children and parents who are having a bad day. Strangers see that bad day and assume it’s an all time occurrence, they use the narrative they already have in their head. It is unnecessary judgement. Can’t we set examples in our families and also beyond?
There is a general decline in good manners and respect for others starting in schools. Socialist indoctrination, you mustn't say one child is better than another, mixed ability classes, denigration of our Christian heritage. We never used a teacher's first name, sir or miss. My brother who is not particularly political, left teaching because of Left interference. The first word a child must learn is no. Children allowed to play with smart phones or tablets at the meal table compounds the problem. A psychologist said some years ago no child under 16 should have a smart phone, they were right.
That’s interesting because depending on how old your children were it was probably typical at the time for them to spend most of their time with their mother. Fathers of a certain era couldn’t reliably spell their children’s names or recite their birthdays. Good on you for consistently taking four children to the supermarket. Most men do not do that.
Maybe that’s why they were so well behaved, nurtured in an unusual arrangement like that. Maybe more hands-on fathers watching their children by themselves would bring better behaved children in general. I wouldn’t rule it out.
https://substack.com/@pallavidawson/note/c-109625480?r=1z31e2&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
Excellent advice!
Thank you, John.
Small children experience deep emotions they don't understand. They also don't have the ability to put it into words yet. So they react the only way they can. By acting out.
Not all of them are always throwings tantrums to get what they want. It could be that they feel overwhelmed by the things and people around them. Not because they are brats.
I agree, Rea.
I have been amazed at the feeling that creeps up inside me when my child has had a tantrum in the store, a sort of stony protectiveness just daring somebody to say something snarky— woe betide the fool who tries it first!
Great wisdom here, thank you for writing this piece.
I understand that feeling. I remember it well! My daughter is 10 now so we’re well past that stage (although 10 year olds can be moody) but I’m thankful we made it through.
Thank you so much for your comment.
It is important to be consistent, once you have said no, it is no. If you give way they will not take you seriously in the future. But that does not mean my children were afraid of me. When I went to tell them a bedtime story, if I reached for a book they said, " No, no, Daddy, your stories are better than the book ".
Sounds like you have fond memories, I love that.
I have seen highly reactive tantrum-prone toddlers turn into very well behaved teens because they had proper support and love (also guidance) when they didn’t have the capacity to do better yet. They felt secure in the love and then they use the self-control when they have it, better than “better behaved” toddlers who never struggled like they did. Most things toddlers do are annoying, not morally wrong. But a teen rebelling against their parents can really hurt themselves and others, permanently.
We want to set up and strengthen a bond between parents and toddlers of unconditional acceptance when the stakes are low, so that they can tolerate necessary rules as teens and beyond.
Totally agree. Annoying but not morally wrong.
Some children tantrum more than others, by nature. They have an intensity that isn’t really compatible with their little bodies and weak capacity for self-control. As they get older, it evens out. But they have to know that they can trust you. If you weakened the bond when they were tantrumming, you don’t have that to lean into later on.
I used to just not take our children out, the ones who were more explosive, because I couldn’t deal with the judgment. It’s a better world when older people have some kindness and smile and say by implication, they will grow out of this. Telling a mom how cute or beautiful their child is in a supermarket especially when the child is mildly misbehaving is a kindness that generates outwards, rippling effects far and wide.
People on the left are crotchety also. It’s not actually a political or moral thing. It’s just dressed up that way.
This is why I could have done to have known someone like you earlier on in my life. That acceptance and reassurance ..it really makes you feel confident. It makes you happier and the relationship with your child better.
💕
I was in a supermarket recently, a small boy was picking up fruit and smashing it against others. I told him forcefully to stop. An elderly woman was watching him, I asked her if she was with him, she said she was his grandmother, but she did nothing to stop him. His mother in another aisle.
If children behave badly in public it is 99.9% bad parenting. There are a few cases of autism or other mental problem. I brought up 4 children, they all knew how to behave in public, unlike one or two cousins.
There’s a difference between bad behaviour and tears and an odd tantrum. My daughter was well behaved too but I empathise with children and parents who are having a bad day. Strangers see that bad day and assume it’s an all time occurrence, they use the narrative they already have in their head. It is unnecessary judgement. Can’t we set examples in our families and also beyond?
There is a general decline in good manners and respect for others starting in schools. Socialist indoctrination, you mustn't say one child is better than another, mixed ability classes, denigration of our Christian heritage. We never used a teacher's first name, sir or miss. My brother who is not particularly political, left teaching because of Left interference. The first word a child must learn is no. Children allowed to play with smart phones or tablets at the meal table compounds the problem. A psychologist said some years ago no child under 16 should have a smart phone, they were right.
I agree with your comment. I must always defend nuance where it is missing and necessary though.
"The child is the father of the man," if you don't teach a child how to behave before 7 it is very difficult to correct later.
That’s interesting because depending on how old your children were it was probably typical at the time for them to spend most of their time with their mother. Fathers of a certain era couldn’t reliably spell their children’s names or recite their birthdays. Good on you for consistently taking four children to the supermarket. Most men do not do that.
Maybe that’s why they were so well behaved, nurtured in an unusual arrangement like that. Maybe more hands-on fathers watching their children by themselves would bring better behaved children in general. I wouldn’t rule it out.